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Monday, 7 July 2003
It's been a tough week on celebrities, I can't even count how many have died. Barry White, Buddy Hackett, Buddy Ebsen, Katharine Hepburn, the list goes on and on.............. I have a theory that like events often happen during the same general times, and this week proves my theory yet again......
Posted by 666133
at 6:17 PM EDT
Sunday, 29 June 2003
Kathrine Hepburn died today at 96.
Hepburn once remarked of her celebrated status in show business, "I'm a legend because I've survived over a long period of time and still seem to be master of my fate -- I'm still paddling the goddamned boat myself!
Gotta admire a person with that attitude!
Posted by 666133
at 7:19 PM EDT
Friday, 27 June 2003
After hearing last week about Orrin Hatch pissing and moaning that he wanted to destroy the computers of downloaders and then discovering he was using bootleg software himself, I came up with my "Asshole of the Week" area in this site, since, well, it is a site dedicated to assholes. This week had to go to Steve Jobs. The "brilliant" Apple CEO is letting the Internet Explorer browser die on the Mac Platform.
WHY OH WHY does Apple do such stupid things? I'm a Mac user and I'm about to give up and go to the Borg (Microsoft). Oh well...........
Posted by 666133
at 8:08 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 30 June 2003 3:29 PM EDT
Sunday, 22 June 2003
The Biggest ASSHOLE IN FLORIDA AWARD..........
The biggest asshole in Florida award goes to some asshole in Naples Florida who called the police to have a SIX YEAR OLD GIRLS Lemonade Stand shut down because she didn't have BUSINESS LICENSE. Unfortunately the cop who went to shut her down had to ask the child to shut down, but even the poor cop felt so bad even HE bought some Lemonade. On the bright side, the media got ahold of this assinine story and the kid is back in business, and if there is any justice the asshole to called to complain will be chased out of town. MY GUESS is the asshole who called in is some mamby-pamby busy-body moron dip-shit DEMOCRAT who can't read a fucking ballet. This type of person wants to control almost everyone around them, because, after all, you're not as smart as them. I have this "person" (I use the term loosely) linked on my News From Assholiea page (scroll down), and I WOULD feature this asshole AS "Asshole of the Week" but I don't know who it is, or where they live. IF YOU KNOW that information, e mail me. I'll post this asholes name and address and dare them to sue my ass.
Posted by 666133
at 7:22 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 23 June 2003 5:45 AM EDT
Friday, 20 June 2003
France: A Nation of Assholes
Thinking of traveling to FRANCE?
Well, DON'T!
I've been there.
Pick a NICE vacation spot, like IRAQ or AFGHANISTAN!
Because of recent tensions caused by the most back stabbing, ungrateful, cowardly nation on the planet (FRANCE) the following advisory for American travelers heading for France has been issued. It was compiled by the U.S. Department of State from information provided by the CIA, U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Lady Margaret Thatcher, the FBI, Food Channel, Centers for Disease Control, Fox News, and very expensive spy satellites the French don't even know about. This guide contains insensitive information For Your Eyes Only.
OVERVIEW: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and several smaller "nations" of no particular consequence and inferior shopping. France is an old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization: Camembert cheese, champagne, truffles, and the guillotine.
France postures as a modern, cutting-edge nation; in reality, air-conditioning is rare, personal underarm deodorants are unheard of, and decent Mexican food cannot be found. Exasperating for typically respectful American visitors is the fact that the French people stubbornly still speak only French, although many will use passable English if threatened physically. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
PEOPLE: France has 54 million French persons, most of whom drink and smoke heavily, drive helter-skelter, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French are gloomy, temperamental, proud,
arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined--and those are their good points. Most French profess to be Roman Catholic, an amusing anomaly if one considers heir behavior. Many also are Communists. Topless sunbathing is common among the numerous flat-chested women. Men, even if not wearing thongs in public, often have girls' names like Yves and Marie, and ardently will kiss each other when handing out medals.
American visitors should travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
SAFETY: France usually is safe to visit, although travelers are advised that periodically it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender promptly, and, other than a temporary shortage of Scotch and increased difficulty in obtaining baseball scores and stock-market prices, life for visitors generally goes on as if nothing has occurred. A tunnel under the English Channel connecting France and Britain has been opened in recent years
to make it easier for the entire government to flee to London.
HISTORY: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages (before there was even a Texas or United States). Other important historic figures are Louis XIV (pronounced "14th"), born-again Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was president for many years and is now an airport.
GOVERNMENT: The French form of government is wildly democratic. Elections are conducted continuously, and invariably result in a runoff. For administrative efficiency, the nation is subdivided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, zip codes, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament has two chambers, Upper and Lower (inexplicably, both are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's only roles are 1) to set off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, then 2) be indignant when anyone complains.
U.S. intelligence indicates the current president answers to "Jacques" (his "s" is silent).
CULTURE: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is difficult to understand why. All their songs sound the same, their dancing is violent, and their movies are worthless except for the nude scenes, provided you like to watch effeminate men and ambivalent women chain-smoking on a garish bed. Gallic architecture is pure copycat, and all poems and novels are inexplicably in French.
CUISINE: No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, though, are excellent, but nearly impossible for Americans to pronounce. Travelers should stick to the well-done cheeseburgers and so-called "French" fries at leading hotels such as Holiday Inn.
As to drinking water, France bottles dirty melted snow under the label of Evian and sells it to Americans for the same price as high-octane gas. "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive."
ECONOMY: France has a large and diversified economy, second in Europe only to Germany's. This is surprising because French people hardly ever work. If not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in ascending order of importance to its pro-peace economy, are geese, attack aircraft, perfume, guided missiles, pornography, high-tech guns, wine, grenade launchers, ugly Citroen cars, land mines, lace, combat knives. cheese, nuclear weapons, condoms, and 139,745 personal military and petrochemical advisers to Saddam Hussein.
HOLIDAYS: France has more days off than any other nation in the world--704 every 365-day year. National holidays include 197 days for saints, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of General Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won World Two Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
Other important holidays are Peaceful Nuclear Bomb Day, the Feast of Brigitte Bardot Day, and National Guillotine Day.
CONCLUSION: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque landscape, lovely towns, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
WARNING: Consular services of the U.S. government are intended tp primarily to promote business abroad. In the event, however, you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report any Tuesday to the American Embassy between 5:20 and 5:25 a.m., and a consular official (a French local who is supremely attuned to your plight) will give you a list of qualified dentists or taxidermists.
Remember, no one ordered you to visit France. Loyal Americans vacation in Miami Beach, and we advise you to do the same. Good luck, mazeltov, buena suerte--or even bon chance, if you insist on speaking funny.
FRENCH JOKES
(Sorry for the redundancy)
Why do the the french navy ships have glass bottoms??? so they can see the rest of their fleet
I was in a bar last night and a Army Sergeant almost got into a fight with a FRENCHMAN.
The Commanding OFFICER came in and got between them and said "SORRY, I can't allow you to BEAT UP THIS FRENCHMAN, Mary Beth"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and no balls. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Napoleon used to wear a red shirt in battle so that if he was wounded the blood wouldn't demoralize his troops. In honor of that France's military is now wearing brown pants in case of conflict.
Wars of Religion: France goes 054 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War: other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied
When a French commander says "at ease",, the troops release their ankles and stand straight up
Yep.... just about every civilization has kicked the french's butt militarily.... heck Bastille day was when they kicked their own butt
.
A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender
says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but
that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without the help from the U.S.
Why do the French Smell?
So blind people can hate them too!
Why do the French call their jet fighter the "Mirage"?
Because it doesn't really exist.
How did the French react to German reunification?
They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
How many Frenchmen died in World War II?
Not Enough.
Where can you find 61,000,000 French jokes?
In France
How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
Nobody knows, its never been tried before
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The Army
Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine?
He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was by
far the best vet in town.
Why do French men have moustaches?
To remind them of their mothers.
How long does it take a French woman to take a shit?
9 months
Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
So the Germans could march in the shade.
Bush's REAL MORAL DILEMMA: A HUGE ASTEROID IS GOING TO DESTROY FRANCE at 2 AM. CHIRACK asks the UNITIED STATES FOR HELP . DILEMMA: DOES BUSH STAY UP to watch it LIVE or do HE TAPE IT?
(I'd say tape it, who wants to waste their time on staying up late on the French bastards?)
Posted by 666133
at 3:34 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 20 June 2003 3:43 AM EDT
Thursday, 19 June 2003
Boy am I a stupid asshole. Yesterday, in a brilliant move, I tried to FTP an online web zine to my main web page, and sent it to the main page. Not being familiar whit FTP, I seem to have hosed the entire site. I don't know how to delete the damn thing, and I may have to start over, completely, and it's a site that gets up to 400 hits a day, and I've got three months work in the site. I'm really a dumb asshole for this. I'm going to work on it for a day or two, then give up, and start over. IF you know how to delete and FTP upload, please leave a comment in the comments area here, or e mail me.
Thanks.
Posted by 666133
at 6:33 AM EDT
Wednesday, 18 June 2003
June 18
No contributions yet. ISP says this site got 139 hits yesterday, obviously CHEAP assholes, all! Still, a 5 day old site getting over a hundred hits on it's 5th day is pretty good.
Posted by 666133
at 10:00 AM EDT
Monday, 16 June 2003
Well, since I launched the site just before the weekend on FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, no one has give me a dime. The ISP say I've gotten 89 page views, and obviously, all of them were cheap assholes. What I need are generous assholes!
Posted by 666133
at 12:55 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 16 June 2003 12:57 PM EDT
Friday, 13 June 2003
Day 1 June FRIDAY the 13th 2003
Web site published. Unregistered. I have no idea if or how anyone will see it. How many suckers, if any, can I persuade into helping pay my DragonCon hotel bill? I need a lot of small ones or one very large one. Keep checking back. I know you are interested, or you'd not be here, proving YOU have even less of a live than ME.
Posted by 666133
at 4:21 PM EDT
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